i experienced my first panic attack exactly one year ago. it came at night, overwhelming my awareness first with a thunderous noise that originated in my chest but played, echoed in my head, ka boom ka boom ka boom, the music amplified by the dome-like structure of the skull. i felt my heartbeat so strongly, i crumbled every time the muscle pushed against the walls of the lungs. it did so confidently and proudly, much like a child resists the compression of the uterine wall, the visual of the mother’s stomach changing shape simultaneously endearing and frightening. thinking back, it…

I must have been about seven or eight when I started walking to school by myself. A single intersection stood between the apartment I lived in and the school grounds. It was a busy intersection, but there were many children and adults crossing at all hours of the day. The combination of this and the next thing must have been what made my parents feel confident enough to let me go by myself.

Months before I was permitted to head out on my own, mum and dad came up with a simple suggestion. Instead of them taking me to school…

The one thing I wish I could have understood before getting my diagnosis was that getting the diagnosis wasn’t going to end the process but start it.

It was on Saturday morning that I sat down to write. I kept my eyes closed, breathing intentionally until I got in touch with the kind of clarity I wasn’t sure I was going to get in touch with today having sat down to write not because I felt inspired to but because I had the time. It occurred to me sitting down that I was optimistic the day I decided to write…

the score: imagine writing for one hour a day, five of the seven days of a week, and releasing whatever you’ve written on a Thursday. imagine writing about ADHD, without trying to hide your ADHD. imagine writing about queerness, without trying to hide your queerness. imagine good writing, not simple writing. strive for accessibility, but don’t compromise. think of the writing you admire, don’t forget the poetry. when insecure, describe. this you can do.

note to the reader: when the writing gets complicated, i am probably excited and cannot see beyond my own excitement. …

written by pavleheidler
edited by Rebecca Hilton

During my years studying at the Salzburg Experimental Academy of Dance, the Performing Arts Research and Training Studios, and the MFA New Performative Practices at The University of Dance and Circus at the Stockholm University of the Arts, I had the privilege to engage in an informative relationships with a small number of mentors, most of whom I’ve had the chance to work with in more than one of the named institutions. I am drawing from my experience of those relationships in the reflections that follow. …